The Fargin News - Page 3
May 2001 ************************* Volume 1 - Issue 1


Fargin - Staff Writer

A historic town landmark is under siege by our local Moral Majority. Next Friday, our Fargin Town Council will meet and vote on whether or not to close FARGIN FANNYS, our local Strip Club and Day Care Center.
(Proposition 69)

Sources say that the main gripe against this business is its close proximity to the local religious book store, SACRAMENTAL SCRIBBLES. Those with ridiculously high morals are becoming increasingly perturbed when patrons purchase their books and then visit FANNYS. They invariably then go back to the book store, hours later, and RETURN the books they had just purchased. This is apparently a vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over again.

FARGIN FANNYS has long since been a cornerstone in our town, known both as a source of recreational enjoyment and a baby-sitter. Established in 1977, it has been the driving force for our booming Tourist trade. Although the Fargin News rarely takes a stand in local government issues, it is our firm belief that closing this establishment will be detrimental to Fargin's ecomony.

When interviewed by this reporter, FARGIN FANNYS' owner Erica Von Trappe stated," It would be a Fargin Travesty to close me down! What are they .... fargin nuts??? Who's gonna watch their kids while they go to work? Who's gonna sit in their husbands' laps when the wives don't want to have anything to do with them anymore after excrutiatingly long, painful and boring years of marriage?? Hell, we are providing a Fargin Community Service here. If it weren't for FARGIN FANNYS, the crime rate in this town would increase dramatically. Heck, domestic violence alone would skyrocket. Please ... I implore you ... vote NO on Proposition 69!!"

I also attempted to interview Mayor Haversberg but he was not available. Sources tell me he had just dropped off his kids at FARGIN FANNYS and was in the Champagne Room with a lap-full of lap-dancers, wishing NOT to be disturbed. It makes this reporter wonder if there were other issues being raised at this most private of meetings.


Fargin - Staph Infection

The exotic dancer billed as, "Callie O'Morgan", is making quite a stir at FARGIN FANNYS, attracting tourists by the hundreds. Known as the only 3-Breasted Dancer in the world, Ms. O'Morgan has been blessed with a Third Breast, situated square in the middle of her back, just below her shoulder blades.

After interviewing numerous patrons at this local club, the general consencious is that Callie O'Morgan is a Fargin dream come true. Men from all over are more than willing to pay her $20 for a special "Slow Dance". I had the opportunity to interview one gentleman who had just finished his dance and this was his reaction:

"She's fargin wonderful!!! The ultimate "slow dance" sensation. As we danced she rubbed her two front breasts tightly into my chest while I caressed her third (back one). I was in heaven!!! Plus .. as if it weren't already good enough ... she has an exceptionally large caboose that protrudes like a shelf .... a perfect spot to rest your beer! I'll definitely be coming back many times to see Ms. O'Morgan.

In a discussion with FARGIN FANNYS owner Erica Von Trappe, Ms. Von Trappe told me that her business has tripled since Callie O'Morgan came to town. She will do everything in her power to keep Ms. O'Morgan as a regular feature at the club. She is a fine compliment to FANNYS' other feature attraction, LEATHER HEATHER, a dancer who has had her breasts and buttocks replaced with fine Black Corinthian Leather. She's been a town favorite for a long time and is also the local Driving Instructor.

Von Trappe is considering placing Bill Boards with pictures of Ms. O'Morgan and Ms. Heather near our Fargin exits on I-11 (aka: I-aye-aye) to make it easier for tourists to find her establishment. I'm sure the local town do-gooders will have something to say about that.



Roving Reporter - Grant Mithestrength

An un-named source confirmed today the releasing of multiple species of test animals from the Fargin Furgin Facial Labs, a subsidiary of Fuzzbuckets Fharmacuticals. Management's response to inquiries was short and sweet.

"Somebody left the fargin door open!"


Fargin Animal Control Officer, Marlon Perkins

The Fargin Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the mountainous areas around the Fargin northern sections. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert, but, not startle the Fargin bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a Fargin bear. It is always a good idea to watch for fresh signs of Fargin bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between the Fargin Black Bear and the Fargin Grizzly Bear droppings. The Fargin Black Bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. The Fargin Grizzly Bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


Medical Reporter - U. Gottit

One of the most novel ideas in medical research has failed as the Fargin Alzheimer's Research Facilty was forced to close, just one day after it opened. Doctor Emma Neezia's idea was to help Alzheimer's victims rebound from their affliction by offering them jobs at the facility, hoping this would keep the neural pathways of their minds active and functioning. 95% of the staff was comprised of Alzheimer's Patients.

Although the first day's activities seemed very promising, Day 2 forced the center's closing as the ENTIRE work force failed to show up for work. Sources say that half of them couldn't find their way back while the other half forgot entirely that they even had jobs. No plans have been discussed for the restaffing of the facility at this point in time. More on this story as it develops.