Fargin - Staff Writer

A blinding snowstorm blanketed all of Fargin forcing the closing of Fargin Elementary School, Fargin Middleschool and Fargin High. Amazingly, all of the Fregin schools remained open even though they too received many inches of frosty white snow.

Students were asked how they felt about the snowstorm and the school closings. One student replied, "I love it when they close the Fargin schools!"

Fargin - Staff Writer

Town elections were tallied at City Hall on February 27th wherein Tom Haversberg was elected to the position of Mayor of the town of Fargin. Mayor Haversberg won a decided victory over incumbant Billy "Beer Stain" O'Reilly in one of the most lop-sided elections in our Fargin history.

The new mayor gave a press conference shortly after his victory where he proudly stated, "I've always wanted to be the Fargin Mayor!"

Fargin - Staff Writer

A representative from the Fargin Electric Company (FEC) has announced that widespread power outages can be expected throughout Fargin. The heavy snowstorm plus new housing developments are to be blamed for these inconveniences.

FEC states that they have the problem well under hand and the outages will not last long. An FEC official was quoted as saying, "We are and will always be YOUR electric company. Our customers are our family and our number one priority. So you don't have to worry about YOUR Fargin Electric Company. We're here for Fargin ... We're Fargin Everywhere."

Fargin - Staff Writer

On Saturday, March 14th, the One Body Part Softball Championship will be decided between your Fargin Flashbacks and our cross-town rivals, the Fregin Fishermen.

The One Body Part Softball League was started by Lefty Wright, a talented athelete with just one hand ... his left one. Lefty always participated in local Softball Leagues. One night, after a game, somebody tossed a set of car keys to Lefty who tried to catch them with his missing right hand and unfortuntely lost another body part ... his right eye. It was then that Lefty decided to start a softball league for men with missing body parts.

Any missing body parts would qualify a player to be a part of this league. This rule was modified recently, however, when Skitch Henderman asked to join the league on the grounds that he had only one testicle. Lefty could not get anybody to verify Skitch's testicular claim so all testicles were declared null & void.

So come on out to the game on Saturday the 14th and cheer on your Fargin Softball team.

Fargin - Staff Writer

Doctors at Fargin General are baffled by the increase of broken thumbs coming through the Fargin E.R.. It seems that in a two week period in February six cases of broken thumbs were reported/treated. All of the thumbs were broken in unrelated incidents.

A nurse told this reporter that one of the thumbs was intentionally broken by Fargin E.R. Doctor Smedley S. Smythe during an emergency procedure. An unnamed patient was rushed to the E.R. with his right thumb firmly stuck in his rectum. Although the nurse couldn't comment as to how or why it was placed there, Dr. Smythe was forced to dislocate the thumb to aide in it's extraction. The patient's thumb (and rectum) are said to be recovering nicely.