Compiled by followers of the great Seer and Comedian, George Carlin
If you really like George Carlin,
you should go check out his website.
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- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
- Try spelling Evian backwards.
- Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- OK...so if theJacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that- "I do" is the longest sentence?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, Write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps,- so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- Why do overlook and oversee, mean Opposite things?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
- How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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