Wink's Book of Avoids

Avoid "Clearance Sales" at Sushi Bars.

Avoid Adult Sex Ed classes being taught by Pee-Wee Herman.

Avoid any HMO that offers Dr. Kevorkian as a Primary Care Physician.

Avoid any Value/Combo Meal that contains the word SLUDGE in its title.

Avoid purchasing an Anatomically Correct Dress-Up Santa Doll for your kids.

Avoid any Beauty Salon that advertises, "Free Band-Aids and Anticeptic with Every Haircut".

Avoid naming an All-Boy Little League Football Team the "Lavender Lillies".

Avoid taking Wok Food Preparation Lessons from a Japanese Chef named "Three-Fingers Wong".

Avoid asking directions from anybody wearing a name tag that says, "Wrong-Way".

Avoid saying to the officer who has stopped you, "But I was only going one way."

Avoid drinking anything that eats it's way through a Dixie Cup.

Avoid any physician who's Attorney's Phone number is the FIRST button programmed into his speed dial phone.

Avoid any attorney ..... uh ... that's it.

Avoid any woman who wants to show you HER Oscar Mayer Weiner.

Avoid any computer that directs it's error messages to you personally (ie: Bad Command or File Name, Dave)

Avoid burger joints that post signs saying, "All burgers sold AS IS, No Guarantee".

Avoid any Chinese Food Restaurants named the Happy Tabby.

Avoid any fiance who wants you to sign a pre-nuptual agreement that begins, "When you die ...".

Avoid any Office Supply Store that will break up a pair of scissors and try to sell you only One Sciz with the understanding that it's a "Buy 1 and get 1 Free" sale.

Avoid hiring anybody as a driver who brings his/her own seatbelts to the job interview.

Avoid hiring any salespeople who list the street corners they sold newpapers on as Job References.

Avoid anything that "tastes like Chicken" that ISN'T Chicken. If you wanted to taste Chicken, then you probably would have ordered it in the first place. (See below)

Avoid any food that doesn't have a flavor of its own.

Avoid tasting something that the person you're with has already tasted and hated, and then asked you to taste anyway. (Here, taste this .. it's terrible!)

Avoid lying to your in-laws about foods you really don't like, but you say you do. (to be nice) They quickly become your new FAVORITE foods and you'll have them at every holiday dinner.

Avoid calling a Judge in a courtroom, "Your Pompousness".

Avoid confusing the words Eminence and Immigrant when addressing the Pope.

Avoid offering to give your neighbor's wife a "Free Breast Exam".

Avoid any Proctologist who wears prophylactics on ALL of his fingers including his thumbs.

Avoid any Proctologist who wears a prophylactic on his nose.

Avoid any Proctologist who has pictures of his patients' assholes all over his walls.

Avoid any Proctologist.

Avoid any Urologist who has a Men's Stand-Up Urinal in the corner of his office that he uses to putt golf balls into.

Avoid any Fantasy Football League that involves 10 grown men sitting around Fantasizing about Troy Aikman's buns.

Avoid reading the column of any TV Critic who feels Jamie Farr is both the best Actor and Actress to ever appear on television.

Avoid anybody who invites you over to "listen" to the TV and "watch" the radio.

Avoid anything that comes with a Ginsu Knife Set for Free.

Avoid anyone who OWNS a Ginsu Knife Set.

Avoid anyone who OWNS a Flo-Bee Haircutting System. This person is incapable of rational thought and could be dangerous.

Avoid anybody who really believes that "Operators are Standing By".

Avoid anybody who begins every sentence with, "To be honest with you ....."

Avoid anything marketed as "New & Improved". Why purchase products from a company that apparently was selling you inferior products prior to this one?

Avoid any Psychic Hotline whose Psychics don't greet you by name when they answer your call. (ie: Hello Dave, I was expecting your call...)

Avoid any Psychic Hotline that asks you for your Credit Card Number. Shouldn't they already know that?

Avoid doing business with any business that advertises its phone number using the words that it spells out. (ie: 1-800 EAT HERE) It's annoying to translate these words back to numbers so you can dial them. This might be some foreshadowing as to how annoying the company might be to deal with.

Avoid buying any beer that's slogan is, "Made from the finest stuff."

Avoid any Mexican Restaurant that's slogan is, "Gas up here!"

Avoid any TV Show or Movie that is still showing credits, a little at a time, a full 1/2 hour into it.

Avoid any Memory Enhancement Program that's spokesperson is Oliver North.

Avoid any Infomercial that hawks a "Make Enormous Sums of Money" product. If their product can generate the income it boasts, then why are they wasting their time with this infomercial trying to sell it to us?

Avoid any Real Estate agent who classifies a Condemned Tenement Building as a "Fix'er Up'er".

Avoid any Mom & Pop Convenience Store in which the expiration dates on their milk cartons have been crossed out and re-written in pencil.

Avoid any hairdresser who wears all of his/her tools in holsters, like they are going to encounter some kind of "Hair Emergency" that requires a "Quick Draw".

Avoid senior citizens driving cars with flowers on the antennas. You can be pretty sure you're looking at an impending right turn from the left lane. (or vice-versa)

Avoid Circus Fire-eaters who spit when they talk.

Avoid being in the company of a flatulant dog. You could get blamed for cutting HIS cheese.

Avoid any elevator that has an inspection certificate that reads, "Maximum Capacity: 4 people or one really fat guy."

Avoid any Gynecologist who is constantly calling in his colleagues for a second opinion during your exam. ("Dave, Joe, Fred, Pete ... Come in here... you gotta see this!")

Avoid any Gynecologist who can't stand up for 5 minutes after your exam.

Avoid any Gynecologist who begins your Internal Exam with, "Here Kitty Kitty."

Avoid any Gynecologist who can't find his watch after your Internal Exam.

Avoid introducing your imaginary friend Phil to the officer who has stopped you for not having enough people in your vehicle to ride in the Car Pool Lane.

Avoid some second hand items such as Toilet Paper.

Avoid any Dentist who tells you. "This will only hurt for a second."

Avoid giving the newspaper vendor on the corner a One Hundred Dollar Bill for your 25 cent paper unless you REALLY have a lot of coin laundry to do.

Avoid riding with a cab driver who genuflects before he hits the taxi meter.

Avoid eating at any restaurant whose waitress tells you that it doesn't matter HOW you want your meat cooked ... it all comes out the same way.

Avoid watching a TV show with Marv Albert interviewing Mike Tyson, unless you like to watch a lot of biting.

Avoid eating at any restaurant whose waitress tells you that they have two kinds of salad dressing: Red and Orange.

Avoid any Check Cashing Store that requires a urine specimen when cashing checks.

Avoid any woman who feels her sole purpose for being on this earth is to shop and without her, the world's economy would collapse.

Avoid playing golf with anybody who keeps score by counting the number of balls he's lost.

Avoid playing golf with anybody who carries more ball retrievers than woods.

Avoid giving the finger to a truckload of prisoners on a "work release program".

Avoid washing your new red shirts with your old white underware unless you really wanted new pink undies.

Avoid driving on any street called "Radioactive Way".

Avoid any Butcher Shop called, "Lou's Week-Old Meats".

Avoid any business called, "Stan's Cheese Emporium & Sewage Treatment Plant".

Avoid saying in the company of your future in-laws while watching their dog lick his balls, "Gee, if I could do that I wouldn't have to get married."

Avoid saying in the company of your future in-laws, "If I had breasts like your daughter's, I'd stay home all day touching myself."

Avoid dressing up as a KKK Klansman and going Trick or Treating in Harlem.

Avoid ordering a large soda at a fast food place that offers "Free Refills".

Avoid answering ANY questions from your wife that begin with, "Now give me your honest opinion on this ....."

Avoid answering ANY questions from your wife that have anything to do with weight. Trust me ... there is NO CORRECT ANSWER. It's a trap. Get out. Run away.

Avoid using any references to Salmonella Poisoning when commenting on your wife's cooking.

Avoid singing the words to your favorite song while wearing headphones in public.

Avoid playing with your 4 year old's new toys more than he/she does.

Avoid Sunday School teachers with the last name, "Manson".

Avoid pet stores that serve Vietnamese food.

Avoid surgeons who look like any of the Three Stooges.

Avoid Gyneocologists who go by the following nicknames:

  • Lucky
  • Sniffer
  • Slick
  • Pokey
  • Stretch
  • Dick
  • Happy
  • Smiley
  • Fingers
  • Slimey

Avoid bathroom attendants with brown towels.

Avoid bars where the bartender carries the bottle opener shoved down inside the back of his/her short shorts.

Avoid kissing your girlfriend if you know she let’s her dog lap at her face.

Be sure to avoid your girlfriend’s puppy’s lapping tongue right after the puppy licks his ass.

Avoid greeting your friend by shaking his/her hand immediately on their return from the restroom.

Avoid the used car salesman who says "trust me" more than twice in each sentence.

Avoid the condo community’s swimming pool if you notice no one ever makes a trip to the rest room.

If you've got an interesting "AVOID" that you'd like to include in my list,
please e-mail me at:

avoids@winkman.com

I'll be happy to include your name as a contributor.

CONTRIBUTORS

Lori B.

Denny S.

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